Mummy, I'm frightened!

On the way in to work this morning, the Radio 4 Today programme ran a piece on whether or not Europe would be safer if we let the Americans build a 'missile shield', intended to knock out missiles on their way to melt us all.

Now, to me, the idea of letting the Americans do anything to make us safer is bloody terrifying. Let's just have a look at what's happened since they led us proudly into Iraq, shall we? I defy anyone to look me in the eye and honestly tell me they feel safer since Colonel Bush stood on the deck of that Aircraft carrier and told us 'Mission Accomplished' - except possibly Iraqi bread-thieves, who I suppose at least no longer have to worry about their hands being hacked off.

That aside, my fear was sparked when Mr. All American spokesperson popped on to tell us all about how dangerous the world was (whilst glossing over the fact that this is in no small part the Americans' fault), how Russia's objections to the shield project needed to be overcome, and how important it is that we as Europeans can all sleep soundly in our beds at night, safe in the knowledge that Uncle Sam is keeping a watchful eye on us.

Whilst Mr. All American was telling us this, I was starting to wonder where exactly all these missiles were going to be coming from. Now, I don't buy the 'China's going to nuke everyone' argument, because if China did that, where would they sell cheap motorcycles and knock-off Power Rangers? I can't see Russia's likely to start that whole Cold War thing up again, because it's not like it did anyone any good last time. I suppose we should probably worry about the Germans, because they're long overdue for an attempt at taking over Europe again, a little like Mount Fuji being overdue for an eruption.

Was I right? In the American parlance, 'Hell No'. In fact, we should be wary of missiles launched from other threatening places, like Bunny Land, Lovelitania and Cutelittlekittenia. Oh, and Iran.

What's that, Iran? Well, blow me down. In his desperate quest to name a credible threat to our saftey, Mr. All American chooses... Iran. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that sound just a tiny bit like a Sabre rattling? That's a bit like a guy in a pub, unprovoked, loudly accusing 'Big Dave 'Crusher' McDeath' of being an imminent threat to his saftey and then wondering why he's on his back in a pile of his own vomit ten seconds later. There's nothing like accusing someone of something to make them want to do it to you even more.

So, when I go to bed tonight, I shall sleep fitfully. Not because of the lack of an American missile shield. Not because of the Iranian threats to my safety. No, I shall toss and turn because the Americans seem to be the ones hell-bent on putting us all in danger.

So, I'm going to take a wild guess that by this time next year, we'll be watching Tomahawks raining down on Tehran, while a helmeted idiot of a world leader tells us all we're much safer now. Mission Accomplished.

Time for my medication. Bye for now.